I'm causing a stack overflow

     This is the part of any exercise program where I begin to get extremely, extremely frustrated. It’s been just shy of three weeks: I’ve been killing myself daily with these crazy workouts, I’ve been drinking upwards of six bottles of water a day, I’ve cut out things like French fries, and I’ve been incredibly sensitive about my diet.

     I haven’t lost as single pound. On the contrary. 18 days into this program, I’ve gained a pound.

     Sure, spout the bull about muscle weighing more than fat or my body just redistributing the fat it already has, but seriously? I want proof positive that all of this Insanity is doing something.

     As a bona fide chubby girl, I’ve spent my whole, entire life with the mantra that it’s just a number on the scale. The number doesn’t matter as long as you look and feel great… but that crap only goes so far. The funny thing is that in taking my measurements (bust, bustline, waist, hips, thighs, calves, arms), I’ve lost a solid inch in every single area (1.5 inches in my calves). So why isn’t the weight coming off?

     Perhaps I’m most frustrated because a measly inch isn’t totally noticeable so I don’t actually feel like any of this crap is working. My Fit Test numbers show slight improvement, but because of my mood, it doesn't feel like it's enough. I honestly just feel like sitting down with a pint and a spoon and finishing it off so I can prove that I can see soemething to the end and be successful. 

Fit Test Week 2:

Switch Kicks—33 (up from 32… wow)
Power Jacks—40 (up from 35)
Power Knees—87 (up from 63, okay, I’ll take it)
Power Jumps—15 (up from 11)
Globe Jumps—10 (up from 5. I’m actually happy with this one because “1” jump is actually a series of four jumps, so technically I upped this by 20 more jumps)
Suicide Jumps—10 (up from 6)
Push Up Jacks—15 (up from 10)
Low Plank Obliques—51 (up from 45)

     I wasn’t as ridiculously exhausted after this workout, in fact, I wasn’t even winded after the warmup. In the long run, I know I’m being healthy. I’m improving my body, making it more fit and healthy… I just so desperately want to see a certain number that I’m completely clouded by it.

     Care to send me a pick-me-up? I'm starting to feel like this:

Zzzzzzz....

Well I've been a bad little blah-ger lately, haven't I? I swear, I've been keeping up with my Insanity workouts and I promise to post on my progress soon. Recently, my VisitSouth work has tripled (I'm not complaining, just giving excuses), so all I've wanted to do at the end of the day is this:

And find funny pictures online: 

"It's the hat"

But really, I'll post soon. I had my second Fit Test yesterday and I'm sure you're all waiting with bated breath to read about how far I've come. Which isn't very far at all, my friends.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.....

The Insanity that is my life, Week 2: Days 7 -- 9

     Monday, 8/29: If there’s one thing to be said about Insanity, it’s that the program certainly changes your endorphin production for the better. Yesterday was Sunday, my day off. Surprisingly, I found myself wanting to work out. Part of me wonders if that’s because I knew I didn’t have to, and I always want to do things I arrive at on my own (remember me saying I was stubborn?).

     After several weeks (a fancy way of saying many months) of a basically sedentary lifestyle, seven days solid of daily, hardcore exercise somehow tricked my brain into thinking cardio is a good thing. I had more energy this weekend than I’ve had in a long time.

     Mind you, I still woke up this morning dreading this workout, but knowing that I would love the feeling afterwards. I was right. I’m surprised to feel like this so soon into the program, and I really, really hope it sticks around.

Post-It on my Mirror Day 7: If you get new shoes before a new exercise regime, spend some time breaking them in. K?

     Tuesday, 8/30: Pulled my quad. Bad. Stupid jumping lunges.

Post-It on my Mirror Day 8: ARGH! So frustrated.

     Wednesday, 8/31: I decided to forego plyometrics today because yesterday I pulled my right quadricep something awful. I really, really don’t want to give up on this simply because I have a penchant for ridiculous injuries. (I once pulled my groin playing volleyball. Really? Who DOES that??)

     Instead, I moved on to tomorrow’s scheduled exercise, cardio recovery. I also spent about a half an hour on the elliptical at our apartment complex’s fitness center. I figured that was low impact enough and I feel surprisingly good. Tomorrow, I’ll probably stick with cardio recovery again, then I’ll resume our regular schedule on Friday.

     I’m really finding my body craving a workout when I wake up in the morning. Chances are, my body is just in shock after having been dormant for so many weeks, but if I can get this feeling to stick around, oh, just forever, then I call this a win-win.

     I simply refuse to use this crazy quad shenanigan as an excuse to get out of anything. (Even if I DID stuff myself on bread pudding last night at Five Sister’s Blues Café… Thanks, Heather!!! :D)

   
     Honestly, that’s been my problem all these un-toned years: falling off the wagon because I’m lazy. Not anymore, my friends!

Post-It on my Mirror Day 9: Taken from a friend’s Facebook profile, "You may be surprised to find out how easy it becomes to exercise regularly, eat well, and reach a healthy weight when you stop treating your amazing body as the problem, and start using it as the solution." 

The Insanity that is my life, Week 1: Days 4 – 7

     Wednesday, 8/24: After lying on the floor last night, immobile, during mine & Husband’s marathon Mad Med sessions, I didn’t think I’d be able to do anything today. Mentally, I felt GREAT, but I physically felt like I had sandbags tied to my calves. Thankfully, 1 hour+ of grocery shopping this morning really helped work out the tight muscles.

     Shuan T must have known how we would feel because the middle of the week is your Cardio Recovery workout and it is just what the doctor ordered. No heavy cardio, no profuse sweating, no cursing the workout Gods. Just stretching, breathing, and light calisthenics like lunges and squats.

     I was still shaking like a leaf afterwards but I wasn’t headed straight for the shower, either. And, I’ve already lost 8 ounces! I think maybe I’ll weigh myself at each Fit Test every 2 weeks… those results might be a *bit* more impressive, considering feathers weigh 8 ounces. 

Post-It on my Mirror Day 4: Remember, you’re doing this for yourself. Not for anybody else.

     Thursday, 8/25: I did not work out today. The morning was spent nursing a headache that just wouldn’t go away. I thought that maybe if I napped while Ben napped, it would leave… but then Ben didn’t nap so my idea was shot. I made the decision to take a break today and then resume Friday/Saturday, rest on Sunday.

     When I’ve had workout plans in the past and come up against problems like this, I usually beat myself up so much for giving in that the entire plan just falls by the wayside. I think that giving myself some flexibility is going to be the key to keeping this up. If there is a day I simply just can’t do it, I’m not going to the throw in the whole towel: my routine will just shift one day.

Not feeling like I’m locked in a box will help see me to the end.

Post-It on my Mirror Day 5: Take care of yourself

     Friday, 8/26: Pure Cardio! And Shaun ain’t kiddin’. After a 9 minute non-stop warm up and about 7 minutes of stretching, you’re led through 16 minutes on continuous, fast-paced, heard-pounding cardio. Coming from someone who can barely jog 16 minutes straight (let alone do things like suicide jumps, power jacks, and the like), it was intense.

I’m absolutely dreading tomorrow… Plyometrics again.

Post-It on my Mirror Day 6: I will not accept laziness.

     Saturday, 8/27: I. Hate. PLYOMETRICS. Every time I see this workout scheduled on the calendar, I know it will take every ounce of willpower to begrudgingly drag my body into our designated workout space.

Post-It on my Mirror Day 7: OH THE PAIN

The Insanity that is my life: Days 1 -- 3

     Sunday, 8/21: Today was my first day of Insanity. I woke up to some frustrating news about a family member and it made me really, really angry. Then I got mad at myself for being angry. Then I wanted to cry, but I knew if I cried, then that would make me tired and I wouldn’t get out of bed. So, I decided to use it as a motivator to propel through my workout.

     The first day of Insanity is just a fitness test. You do a minute each of 8 different callisthenic exercises. “No big deal,” I thought. “It can’t be that bad, right?” Haha. I was gasping for breath after the warm up.

     My furor was enough to push me on, though. Not usually being a violent person, it surprised me how much I was able to get done using frustration as a motivator.

“How dare he?” Kick, kick, kick.
“How selfish can someone be?” Jump, jump, jump.
“Did he really think he could get away with committing a felony?” Push, push, push.

     Thirty minutes later I was done, sprawled out on the floor of our home office turned home workout room. Sweat dripped into crevices I didn’t know I had and I simultaneously cried “Yes!” and “What the hell did I get myself into?!”

This is how I looked after the Fit Test: disheveled, hammy, and inwardly dreading this experience.

Post-It on my Mirror Day 1: You can do ANYTHING for 60 days.

     Monday, 8/22: Took everything I had to lace up my sneakers. After seeing how rough the Fit Test alone was, I was definitely not looking forward to today’s Plyometric Cardio Circuit. This isn’t one of those cheesy write-ups where I say, “But you know what? It wasn’t really that bad. I loved it!” No, it is NOT.

   
     This workout SUCKS. And I could only handle half of the exercises. Thankfully, the guide (Mr. Shaun T—and he won’t let you forget it) reiterates the importance of going at your own pace… which right now is a snail guiding a tortoise through a sea of molasses. And they’re both blind. This is going to be very, very hard for me to complete.

   
     I’m quite possibly the most stubborn person on the planet, so why am I missing the diamond grade willpower that usually comes with?

Post-It on my Mirror Day 2: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?!

     Tuesday, 8/23: WOW! I finished my workout about 2 minutes ago and I feel FANTASTIC!!!! There’s not even a hint of sarcasm there, either. I did the Cardio Power Resistance workout today and actually managed to finish ALMOST all of it. There were a few exercises where I had to slow down or just hold the squat instead of jumping with it, but that is such a vast improvement from yesterday where I seriously wanted to tie a rock around my waist and jump into the Gulf.

 
    Today’s workout has me excited for tomorrow, like I can actually finish this thing. I didn’t expect this feeling until the halfway point of the entire 2 months. Here’s hoping I’m not borderline suicidal tomorrow, though.

Post-It on my Mirror Day 3: Remember this feeling and know you’ll have it every Tuesday.

Look for my full first week recap on Saturday!

He's Probably Smiling Anyway

Prepare yourself for the ramble of the century because I’m emotional and tired. That is never a good combination.

Every person you have ever come into contact with has created you. There’s no two ways around it: your nuances, turn of phrase, entire outlook on life, can be shaped by your peers, your acquaintances, your family. How they view your existence is wholly wrapped in these things. Without other people, it is possible to lose your own identity. Essentially, you become their projections (this is why it is imperative to surround yourself with positive, uplifting people).  

Consequently, when one of those people is taken away from you, lost, or otherwise removed from your life, you lose the part of yourself that was found in that person. As the anniversary of my Grandpa’s death approaches, I’m realizing that a part of me has been gone for almost an entire year as well.

My Mom married my Dad when I was 4 years old. Right out of the gate I called him Dad, adopted his last name, and spent time doing fatherly-daughterly things like getting puppies and riding bikes. Much in the same way, his dad dove in with both feet. I never got to meet my Mom’s Dad, so Grandpa Mike was the only Grandfather I ever had. Even though I came into the picture a little later, he never wavered. He accepted me with open arms, cans of Chef-Boyardee, and way too many gifts on Christmas morning.

I’ll forever miss his off colored jokes; the way his Christmas gift selections would vacillate between wildly inappropriate and incredibly touching and useful; how he wore ladies sunglasses and we never told him; the way his apartment was littered with half finished crossword puzzle books; knowing he was always good for episodes of Law & Order or Seinfeld... or Judge Judy; shopping on Christmas Eve followed by Mexican food; the classical music in his car turned up way too loudly; his daily email with said off-colored joke, and the way he used to experiment with different fonts, text colors, and sizes because I’m pretty sure it made him feel tech savvy; sitting out on his back porch listening to NPR; the stories he used to tell me of his days at the Plain Dealer or working for the State of Ohio; the way he was gruff about agreeing to go to our sports games or piano recitals but never missed a single one; finding pumpkins to carve on Halloween; knowing not to call after 6:30pm because he was probably already asleep; cribbage; …I’m sad he only got a year with my son, and half of that time he was too sick to hold him.

Will the list of things I miss about him ever end? Probably not. So the only thing left to do is honor the life he had as a means of rebuilding what you have lost.

He left behind a drive in me to see the lighter side of life, to create an eternal goodwill amongst my friends and family, to be giving and providing, but most importantly, to earnestly love those who matter and simply forget those who don’t. And to always, always laugh.

Insanity

I’m not quite fat, but I’m not skinny either. Several years ago, if you’d have used the term “big boned,” I probably would have socked you in the nose… but now, I actually use it for myself. This is how my brain changed:

The struggle with my weight and having body issues really started in high school, when I found myself close friends with some very petite people. Jody was around 5’2’’ and a size 2 (with perfect teeth and hair, she was, and is, gorgeous). Andria, around the same height as Jody, was the “big girl” in her house wearing a size zero (while her two sisters- one older and one younger- wore double zeros). She blamed it on her genetics; A could put away an entire package of double stuff oreos and never gain an ounce. I only wish I were exaggerating. At least I had Elie on my size (side? Ha). She was my height (tall for a girl at 5’9’’), and broad shouldered, but with a flat stomach and thin, toned legs. Even she had her mother’s German metabolism, though.

The cycle only perpetuated itself when I got to college at 17. My roommate and two other close friends swapped clothes and woes if they fluctuated between sizes 4 and 6, yet my roomy would still eat rice drenched in ranch dressing, followed by plates of curly fries and cake. I had salads without dressing, sandwiches without cheese or mayo, vegetables without salt or butter and saw no change in my size 10 self. It got the point where I was so hungry and depressed, that I felt the need to eat in secrecy.

I would go to the cafeteria between classes and get big sub sandwiches to go (thick cuts of bologna with double the cheese), and eat it behind the liberal arts building. I kept bags of chips and Swedish fish hidden in my room and I would only eat them if my roommate was gone to class. Soon, I had blown the Freshman 15 out of the water and descended into the very dark realm of the Freshman 40.

I knew my friends back home would question my weight gain, so I hid from them, making up excuses about why I couldn’t come home that weekend or why I was busy during special parties or birthdays. My abusive relationship with food and my body was causing me to shut down.

After the winter break, I decided to be a recluse. Even my journal entries reflected these wishes, writing about how I couldn’t wait to get back to school just so that I could hide away and have people think I was a loner. My life consisted of going to class and thinking about food constantly- when I was allowed to eat, what I was allowed to eat, how much I was allowed to eat- it was all a game to me. I’d spend hours in the gym followed by downing handfuls of Xenadrin and taking midnight runs in the woods because my heart was racing too much for me to sleep (looking back, it’s a wonder I wasn’t abducted).

This went on until I met my future husband in the fall of 2005. He helped me to feel beautiful no matter what my size was. Around him, I naturally lost about 20 pounds. We would go for walks and talk for hours (not intending on working out, we just wanted to spend time together). My body settled into a natural rhythm of balanced eating and regular exercise. After two and a half years, we were married. On my wedding day, I was the “smallest” I had been in my adult life (and even then I was a comfortable size 12, tight 10. Remember what I said about just being big boned?)

We had our baby about a year into our marriage. Ben just turned 2 and I’m still holding on to baby weight (making me the size I was when I was so unhappy). But my husband has never called me anything but beautiful… I’ve just had a harder time believing it.

 A few months ago that started to change when I became absolutely enamored with Crystal Renn… I saw THIS picture of her in a magazine and she owned her curves.

She looked so happy, confident, secure. Like no one (not men, other women, or her family) could get her down with offhanded comments about how many calories were in that ice cream. Through more research, I found that we were the exact same height (5’9”), weight (ha, not telling), and size (around 14). I even own that bathing suit in black. Knowing she was a super successful model made me think differently about myself, that maybe I had worth, that people didn’t think I was a disgusting cow.

More importantly, I didn’t think of myself as a disgusting cow anymore. I read her autobiography, ‘Hungry’ and actually wrote some of her words on post-it notes to keep on my bathroom mirror. To give a little history: she wanted to be a model so badly that she starved herself down to 98 pounds and STILL couldn’t get work because she was told she was too big. Subsisting on a diet of lettuce, sugar free gum, and 9-hour weekend workout sessions, she broke. After letting her body settle at its natural weight, she began booking gigs left and right. She was happy, healthy, and realized that everyone is beautiful when they’re at what she calls a “set weight” (where your body natural lays). I was hooked.   

A few weeks later, I saw some picture of her floating around on Facebook. She had recently been on the cover of Mexican Vogue… and was back down to a size 0.

Her hip bones jutted out, her collar bones sharp as razors. Her eyes looked dead and I felt betrayed. Hadn’t she just told me I was perfect the way I was? Did this mean she was lying and I really AM a disgusting cow?

The shot to my confidence was almost unbearable. I don’t want to say that some silly model made me lose my mind, but I retreated into a black hole of self pity. My poor husband… I don’t think he knew how to handle it.

It wasn’t until Crystal’s very own sister wrote me on Facebook (we connected through Crystal’s fan page) that I started to climb out of that funk. She commented on a few on my posts and let me know not to read too much into her book, that it was basically a publicity stunt to get noticed by designers, and to not let it break me.

Realizing I needed to take care of myself FOR ME was what started to change my mind. Don’t lose weight to look like someone else, don’t work out for hours on end (if that’s what you choose to do) for anyone but yourself, change your outlook FOR YOURSELF.

I’m starting the Insanity workout plan on Sunday. I’d like to lose the 40 or so pounds I’ve gained since High School because I’m tired of hiding behind myself. My self-worth doesn’t lie in the number on the scale, but doing this for myself is going to create a new love for my body, an appreciation for what it does and why it’s here. Lucky YOU for getting to read about my neuroses.